Yes, that is a picture of a ton of bricks. Over the last week one would hit me every now and then... but tonight, the rest fell... and they fell hard! I'm coming back to life, that is, out of my zombie state of mind and I have to say... it's hard, I almost wish i could go back. I think it was watching the season two premier of Army Wives that really flicked the switch. The tears have been rolling since 9:00pm and they haven't let up. Mitchell is away, he is far away, for an undetermined amount of time... And I won't know when/if I'll see him again (sorry to be so brutal to other family members, but it's a hard part of this life we chose, and I have to realistic). The Army always says "Plan for the worst and hope for the best", that's what I have to do... that's what we all have to do.
It's hard talking to people about what I'm going through and how I am feeling, because most of you will never understand. I'm not the same person I was only a few short months ago... I have a new life, new friends, new family, new routine. My main goal right now is to be the best mother to Maddox and take care of myself the best way I can. And for those of you who know my past, you know stress and I don't get along very well, it's like oil and water. That brings me to another thing... if I hear anyone say anything along the lines of "Well, this is the life you picked" or "You knew what you were getting yourself into.." seriously, call 911 because you will have a size 8 1/2 foot stuck up your ass! Yes, I know what the Army life means and what it brings... the heartache, the worrying, the sleepless nights, separations, but it also brings happiness, pride, reunions, love and a very close family that honestly I would never find in the "outside world". Again... you can't understand what I and all other Army spouses are going through, so don't compare our lives, don't say "Oh, I know exactly how you feel, my husband/wife/etc. was gone for 3 weeks..." I'm sorry if I seem brutal, but I'm putting the facts out there... I don't mean to be rude or self centered or any other words you may be thinking while reading this. I am being honest, speaking from the heart.
I have also come to realize a major fault of mine, I am a giver... by nature, it's the person I am. But one human being can only give so much. I was once told that when you give, you will receive back tenfold... right now I am having a very difficult time believing in that. It's a nasty game of tug of war and my toes are right over the mud pit! I'm tired of always being the one that will drop everything to listen to a friends problems, to give anything extra I have to a friend in need... but when the time comes, and I need someone, something... no one is around, no one has time. Maybe moving to another state 700+ miles away was a really good way of finding my true friends, even if that meant losing some along the way.
I can't be that person anymore, I feel as though I have nothing left to give... my advise and listening went out the window, along with the shirt off my back and my money I had in savings.... and for what?!? No one has shown me that caring is a two way street in a very long time. So, until someone hands me my ears and heart back... not to mention my shirt and money, I am closed for business... I know I say that now... but deep in my heart, I can't change who I am and I will always be there for whoever needs me, just know that each and every time I give... I give a little bit of myself... and I know (at least here on earth) You need pretty much an entire body and mind to operate...
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